The World Is Too Big For Me

For those of you who read this blog, which I may have a few who do, I don't often write them. Not weekly, or daily. I do wish I had the time and intelligence to write more of my thoughts, my wishes, my dreams. I envy bloggers like Ryan Field, Kage Alan, and Max Vos. They put so much time and effort into making wonderful newsworthy pages for readers, writers, and whoever catches their links on social media.

I admire those men, and women, of course, who have so much to say, meaningful, heartfelt issues, that interest us all. I am an avid reader of those men's blogs, and enjoy the links, their messages and of course, them as individuals.

Working on blogs is a very strange idea. Is it a personal venue for us to vent? Advertise? Give our opinions to social change, items of note? Or, just post naughty pics?

I do blog about things that eat at me. I'm too thin skinned for my own good. I know the social networks have their place now in our society, but so many times I log on and cringe. I no longer can handle the world as it is. If you look at it from a whole, or maybe from what are the highly over-stated news articles, it, for me, is truly cringe worthy.



The pain, killing, violence, ignorance, destruction, lack of tolerance, you name it- I simply think I have become too small to contain all of it. The world is too large for me to do anything.



In college I was so powerful. I would drive my force into causes- defied the killing of wolves and wildlife with art and protests. I was so eager to be one of the numbers who fought for women's equality, PPH, and gay rights. I marched, I picketed, I became a cop to help people, to protect the weak, to make the streets a little safer. Now, through my writing, I am hoping to open minds, one at a time.

But I am weary. I have been battling the same issues for decades. Animals are being poached to extinction, war vets are being mistreated, woman's rights are being trampled, a few heavy-handed cops are fucking all of us police officers daily...

I am very tired.
A year ago, I was going to throw in the towel. I no longer could stand the weight of the world, the issues that become more and more heated, hated, the attacks on people I adore...


I have no idea how I made it back from the abyss. Believe me when I tell you, I am hanging by a thin thread.
Yes, I have seen positive change in my life. Equal rights for all to marry, tolerance for interracial romance and love, but, its not enough. The social media makes sure I know things are a miserable mess.

Should I take it to heart? I don't know. But seeing the pain and fury rising like the flames of Northern California, burning everything to the ground...it's too much.

So, as a writer of love, of fiction, I pretend everything is rosy. I live in my fiction world to escape the terror and violence I can no longer deal with.

Am I alone in retreating behind the lines? Waving a white flag of defeat as everything I have written and produced is stolen? Lives of people are lost out of hate and stupidity?

Probably not. Why do I write about love and happy endings? Because that's what I wish life could be. Happiness. But Happiness is an illusion. What we really do daily is try not to be so unhappy we give up.

A blog. Silly words that people post to vent, share, advertise...
I look back on the decades I have lived. Maybe like most, I feel as if my world has changed. The simpler times have gone. But is that true? No. Only now, we see everything on the computer. All the angst. The hate, the murders, the tragedies.


I can't. I log on, post my links and hide in my fantasy world. I am just one peanut in an overgrown jungle of complexity.
The world is simply too much for me to handle any longer.

But for those of you with the fortitude and power, god-love ya. You have taken the mantle from those of us who are battle weary.

Be careful out there.

It's a jungle.